Universal Studios promotes the storylines of each HHN feature at the beginning of the season. But I’m bitter, tired of the crowds, and can’t take it seriously anymore.

Houses

Stranger Things

The main reason you bought an Express pass, and you still waited 30 minutes for it.

Poltergeist

That one movie most people under 30 pretend they’ve seen and most everyone over 30 only remembered for the clown doll scene.

Carnival Graveyard

What would happen if the Northern Florida rednecks moved south.

Scary Tales

The one Disney annual passholders will laugh at most.

Halloween 4

Stab. Stab stab. Standing and stab. Spooky spooky stab stab.

Trick R Treat

An apology for how short the scare zone was for this movie from last year.

Blumhouse

Because HHN is contractually obligated to always, always, always have something Purge-related

Seeds of Extinction

What your turkey-hunting uncle would create if you gave him $100 to do costuming for a community production of “Little Shop of Horrors”.

Dead Exposure

Seizure and strobe city.

Slaughter Sinema

The surprisingly good one that normally has a short-ish wait. (Until you get to that demon baby room and go NUUUUUUPE.)

And if you 1) don’t want to wait half of your night in line for Stranger Things or 2) got dragged to HHN unwillingly, you can take refuge in this year’s scare zones.

Scare Zones

The Harvest

Well, at least it has more of a story than the Bone Daddy zone from last year. (shrug)

Revenge of Chucky

Almost as vulgar as the movie, but it’s still in a theme park so there are limits.

Vamp 85

For everyone who has a kink for vampires and the 1980s. Alternate definition: the Insta-wall of Scare Zones.

Twisted Traditions

Wait. More pumpkins? Didn’t we do this one at the entrance? (checks notes) Oh, this one isn’t The Harvest.

Killer Klowns from Outer Space

So many bubbles that you might think someone has a Disney bubble wand.

The carnival roaming hoard (by Simpsons)

“The Greatest Showman” feat. chainsaws.

Mechanic roaming hoard (by Fast and Furious)

Has the same logic to it as the neverending runway in Fast and Furious 6 and equally as unnecessary as Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift.

 

Tired of seeing HHN sold out every single night? Exhausted just thinking of how long the Stranger Things line is? Think Vamp ’85 might be a *smidge* overrated? Leave your thoughts in the comments below! 

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